Schmolaris Prize 2025

I can remember when my father, the late Izzy Asper, was selected as a jury member for the 1984 Schmolaris Prize. He came back from the ceremony and immediately called to tell me a joke that Steve Schmolaris had told him. It was about his father, Steve Schmolaris Sr. He was on his deathbed, his eyes closed, and his life was slowly ebbing away. Around the bed were his family and friends, Steve among them. One said, “He was such a pious man! Which of God’s many commandments did he fail to keep? Where did he deviate, even in the slightest?” Another mourner said, “And he was so learned and knowledgable. Why, there was not a subject about which he did not excel. The man was a walking encyclopedia.” And Steve, the son, said, “And so charitable! So generous! And I don’t just mean about the initial funding for the Schmolaris Prize in 1977. Where was there anyone whom he did not try to help?”

During this all, a faint tremor appeared on Steve Sr.’s face. He opened his eyes and it was a great effort for him to speak. So quiet was it that everyone leaned in to hear. “Piety, learning, charity?” he said, “And of my great modesty you say nothing?”

As the great Jack Rabinovitch was always fond of saying, “When I’m seventy-seven, I’m going to marry a woman aged twenty years.” I told him, “But Jack, don’t you realize that sex with a young woman at that age could be very dangerous – possibly even fatal?” He thought about for a second, and said “Well then, if she dies, I’ll just have to get myself another one.”

Okay, okay, I got one, too. Hey Steve, do you know why the Six-Day War lasted only six days? Because Israel’s weapons were rented by the week!

Am I the only one who’s going to take this seriously? This is just like that story I heard about the triumphant soldier who’d just returned to duty from his twenty-four hour pass. His buddies surrounded him, all wanting to know how he’d made out. The soldier said with glee, “What a piece of fucking luck I had, boys! I hadn’t been off camp more than half an hour when I met this fucking gorgeous babe and, let me tell you, she was fucking stacked, if you know what I mean. We got to talking and I took her out for some fucking hamburgers. Then we went to a fucking movie where we got fucking friendly. Then she took me back to her fucking apartment and in less than five fucking minutes I had every fucking piece of clothing off of her.” He paused, and then someone asked, “Well, what happened? What happened next?” And the soldier said, “What the fuck do you think happened, you fucking jerks? We had sexual intercourse.”